i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
