made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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