I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
