Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
