listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
