I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
