We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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