Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
