Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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