when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
