I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
