remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
one two three fourrrrnication!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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