I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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