my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
