I wanna bring you to show and tell
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Can you bring me the toilet please
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
