you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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