she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
