No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
