I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
