I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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