Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
