the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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