Green mimosas i think yes
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
