I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
