Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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