Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
