fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
