wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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