I want you more than these girls want KFC
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
only you would photoshop your dick
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
