my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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