Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
