I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
