I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
