I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Randomize
