My friends, they love my intelligence
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
