I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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