need another drink. this is the easiest way
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
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