why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You took a bar mat shot.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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