I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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