Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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