You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
