I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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