At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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