If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We left the knife in your bed.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
