I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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