we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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