I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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