I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
