she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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