I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
