Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
