eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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