how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
