I can't breathe out the right side of my face
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
